If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Okey dokey.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio