I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
good let them take over I have had enough
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
This meeting could have been a cake