“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
This has made my week.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Lube but for my dry humor.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in