The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.