When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
pictures of spider-man
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.