You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
2022: I can fix it
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.