[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”