FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My work here is don’t.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.