I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
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*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I need this for my side hustle.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Every. Damn. Time.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.