Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
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Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Last-minute gift idea!
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen