As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.