The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
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I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
How dude HOW?!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!