Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Ain’t no way
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!