Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
getting corrected
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.