My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity