Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.