If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
You Might Also Like
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.