Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
6: are snakes just neck?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.