My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
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British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?