2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
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*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail