Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Europe. Made in Germany.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*