The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
So the ex texted me
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Still laughing at this stupid meme
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.