Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM