*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?