*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.