Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.