Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
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Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument