The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.