Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet