Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
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Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too