The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
the council will decide your fate
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.