You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*