i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.