On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Lol.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
just got my engagement photos
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
God, I love Scotland
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”