Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.