*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Banking tips
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.