coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ