My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You Might Also Like
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems