[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
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In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go