Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
waiting for halloween be like:
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.