*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*