[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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ME: finally a program for me
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Going to church you guys need anything
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…