You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.