Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.