When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I know karate and tons of other words.