wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
peak technology
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing