Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.