Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
#Caturday
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”