Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend