[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
New Tinder profile.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“I wouldn’t.”
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.